“Oh, tortoise, I believe you now! I was only fooling!”

We return to the kooky Twistaplot series with this…well, sadly lackluster entry.

I almost didn’t bother writing about this one. I’m not sure why. It somehow manages to be moody, silly, and boring all at once.

When I first dug in, I was pleasantly surprised to find an attempt at an ominous and atmospheric story at sea, where we and our Uncle Dave are caught in a storm while making our weekly search for our lost Aunt Louise, who disappeared on a sea voyage and is now presumed dead.

Our grieving uncle can’t accept that idea, though, and I guess nobody wants to front for a therapist, so we take it upon ourselves to indulge our Uncle Dave every weekend as he scours the island chain where she was lost, in the hopes of finding her living on one of them Castaway style.

This book got my hopes up early on, not unlike Crash Landing. Once the ship begins to go to pieces, the story branches into nearly infinite continuities, only some of which involve a “James Bond” tier villain in the form of Dr Lamprey. You can be captured by fake pirates and put into a movie, drowned trying to gather up too much sunken treasure, or battle the nasty Dr Lamprey and his Hanna Barbera utility belt that seems to do everything: turn people to stone, swap a human consciousness with that of a sea creature and vice-versa, teleport ninja style in a puff of smoke, make ice cream, change the channel on the neighbor’s TV to annoy him…and of course you can play Doom on it, because you can play Doom on anything.

This book somehow sits on the fence between “not silly enough to be memorable” and “too dull to be thrilling.” I think part of the issue is that it doesn’t really commit to one tone: the ominous opening pages, the sunken treasure, and the evil scientist all promise an adventure in the style of Jules Verne, and yet it doesn’t take itself seriously enough to pull that angle off, largely because that very same story can randomly turn out to be a movie set, or feature a talking eel that throws sphinx-like riddles at us while admitting he’s bored with his job. Dr Lamprey’s utility belt is especially silly.

At least most of the choices seem fairly logical. Crossing a room that’s actively caving in is a good way to get squished, and escaping on a cruise ship is noisier than escaping in a dinghy. But then you get the typical Twistaplot brand choices that are totally random, like choosing between a square door or circular door without any clue what’s behind them; or break the fourth wall, like one choice early on where your fate is decided by whether you’re a deep sleeper or an insomniac.

At least that latter example had some bearing on the plot, though, unlike Crash Landing deciding my actions for me based on how many species of birds I could name off the top of my head.

Secrets of the Lost Island does have its moments of glory, though, like a somewhat chilling ending if you get too greedy with the sunken treasure. It’s hard to choose whether that was my favorite moment, or (SPOILER ALERT) when Dr Lamprey turned me into a shark, only for me to promptly eat him, belt and all, then swim away, resigned to my new life as a deep sea predator. I have to admit, I didn’t see that coming.

If Lynn Beach had stuck fast to the straight-and-narrow adventure pastiche and done away with the sillier bits, this could’ve been a breath of fresh air–imagine, a Twistaplot that actually takes itself seriously! I think the book is unmemorable largely for the fact that the author can’t commit to a tone, and it shows throughout. You actively watch the narrative struggle with indecision, like a flaky actress who can’t choose between two costumes that don’t match. It goes back and forth between trying to be immersive and then not taking itself seriously. Give me Jules Verne, or give me RL Stine, but pick one.

Time for bed. Uncle Mac out.