“Well, I don’t allow dead rats in my classroom.”

This book is about the weirdest school ever, with the most nonsensical students and teachers ever.

I fell in love with this book in grade school. My teacher would read us a chapter each day, and we always looked forward to the next one. Before I recently revisited Sideways Stories from Wayside School, I still had fond memories of it, even though I only vaguely remembered some of the chapters. It was a lot of fun coming back to this one after all these years to see if it still holds up.

I laughed myself sick.

Sideways Stories is what they call a short story cycle novel: a short fiction anthology where the chapters are all self-contained, but tell a broader story when read together. Each chapter is about a student in Mrs Jewls’s class on the thirtieth story of Wayside School.

Did I mention the architect bungled the construction of the school? That’s kind of important. It was supposed to be one story tall with thirty classrooms. Instead he did the opposite, thirty stories with one classroom on each story.

Nothing at Wayside School makes much sense. The way they do arithmetic is weird (they can’t even spell “chair!” what kind of math teacher can’t spell chair!?), and one floor/teacher doesn’t even exist! But it all makes sense to the kids and teachers at Wayside School. Well, sometimes.

The chapters are insanely short, usually only about three or four pages long. This makes it great for reading a chapter to a classroom full of kids without taking too much time away from other things. Summarizing what any given chapter is about would take about as much time as it would to simply read it to you verbatim. So it’s impossible for the book to overstay its welcome.

The fact that each chapter focuses on a student in one class is really fun, too. As you progress through the book, you get to know little things about each student, even when they haven’t had the spotlight yet, so you then look forward to reading their chapters later. By the end of the anthology, you are well-acquainted with Mrs Jewls’s class full of nitwits, brats, and weirdos, and want to see them do more.

Sideways Stories, and maybe the Wayside School series as a whole, somehow feels like it’s poking fun at public school in general. That might just be me projecting my own worldview, but I remember a lot of my teachers were idiots like Mrs Jewls who selectively punished students or didn’t know what they were doing. And I remember my classmates being absurdly cruel and devious, which many of these kids are. Terrence, Kathy, and Joy are particularly deranged and sociopathic, and should probably have been left at an animal shelter by their parents.

I guess i could intrepret Wayside School as a critical look at the failure of our school system and the monstrous nature of children, were I the sort of pretentious goon who liked to read too much into everything.

The artwork isn’t the best in my opinion, but it is charming at times and it does convey the odd nature of the stories. Sometimes the characters are downright adorable, but usually they have a grotesque Cabbage Patch Kid look to them. Over the years and reprints, this book has featured a number of different covers with completely different art styles, and I’m not sure I ever really liked any of them. So I default to this one being my favorite, since it’s the one I was first exposed to as a wee one.

The art definitely conveys the personality of each student/teacher though, I can’t deny it. Terrence looks like a creep, and Jenny is precious, and Deedee looks like a rat, all right.

If you have access to kids who are in need of something amusing, this book will tickle their funny bone all day, not just because it’s whimsical, but also because of how it pokes fun at the nonsense that is public school (especially in current year).

Now comes the part where I summarize each story and share my thoughts. This will be difficult this time, however, because of how brief the chapters are. So I will try to quickly summarize them without recapping too much, and see if I can’t identify a lesson in each chapter, because if 1980s cartoons taught me anything, it’s that good children’s entertainment always contains a lesson. Even if it’s tacked on before the end credits.

So if you haven’t read Sideways Stories from Wayside School, go read it now, then come back and see if my lesson assessments are accurate or not.

Mrs Gorf

Mrs Gorf is a mean old teacher who teaches the class on the thirtieth story, and who turns her students into apples for the pettiest of reasons. Eventually the apple-kids revolt and force her to turn them all back, then she accidentally turns herself into an apple.

This story establishes the weirdness we can expect in the rest of the book. Kind of. It actually barely scratches the surface of how whack-a-doodle Wayside School is. I almost think the next chapter is a better opening to the book.

LESSON: Don’t be a teacher if you hate kids. This seems to go without saying, and yet…

Mrs Jewls

The thirtieth class gets a new teacher, a ditz named Mrs Jewls, who mistakes her students for monkeys because she’s never taught cute children before, and these children are far too cute to be anything but monkeys. After several minutes, the children convince Mrs Jewls that they are, in fact, human children, and she begins the day’s lessons, leaving the kids pining for when she thought they were monkeys.

This is a perfect introduction to Mrs Jewls and her total detachment from reality and common sense. She’s consistently out to lunch in every chapter, to such a degree that even the weird kids of this weird school don’t understand her.

LESSON: Leadership positions are nearly always filled with people not suited to the role. Kids learn this one pretty early on, just like the Wayside School kids do here. Best to try and fix the issue from the get-go when it crops up, like Mrs Jewls’s students do. Although the kids admit they were better off when Mrs Jewls thought they were monkeys, so maybe sometimes it’s better to let the incompetents have their way.

Joe

Joe doesn’t know how to count. He gets the right number, he just doesn’t count up to that number correctly. Mrs Jewls nearly has an aneurysm trying to get him to understand what he’s doing wrong.

LESSON: It doesn’t do to be a quitter. Joe figures out how to count after trying it from many different angles. One of my college textbooks called it “Paraphrase Times Three:” the more your subject is paraphrased, the better you’ll understand it.

Sharie

Sharie sleeps in class a lot, which is dangerous since she has a window seat on the thirtieth story. While sleeping through a lesson, she rolls out the window and nearly falls to her death, except she is caught and saved by Louis the yard teacher. Sharie rewards Louis by yelling at him for waking her up.

LESSON: Layabouts usually prosper.

Todd

Todd is a nice kid who always gets selectively punished by Mrs Jewls and sent home early on the kindergarten bus. He never gets to stay for an entire day of class because of this, even after he foils a pair of robbers who hold up the class.

LESSON: Life is less fair for some than others, usually for no good reason. If I were Todd, I’d move to another school.

Bebe

Bebe Gunn is the fastest artist in the school. She becomes dejected when Mrs Jewls tells her that making lots of drawings isn’t the same as making one really good drawing.

LESSON: I have to disagree with Mrs Jewls on this one. I took gesture drawing classes and speed is kind of essential to good art. Also, according to the chapter illustration, Bebe’s art is amazing for how quickly she cranks it out. Keep on truckin’, Bebe Gunn!

Calvin

Mrs Jewls tasks Calvin with delivering a note to Miss Zarves, the teacher of the nineteenth story. Except there is no nineteenth story (the architect forgot to build it), and therefore no Miss Zarves. As a result, Mrs Jewls didn’t even give Calvin a note! Calvin becomes hopelessly confused, as anyone would.

LESSON: Better to pretend you know what you’re doing than let on that you don’t. You’d be surprised how often you’ll get by with the “fake it ’til you make it” philosophy.

Myron

Mrs Jewls elects big-eared Myron as the class president, who has the ultra-important job of operating the light switch at the beginning and end of class. Myron is quickly branded a poor class president for being late with the light switch, despite the fact that he was only late because he saved the life of a classmate’s dog.

LESSON: Plenty of people in real life will not see the forest for the trees, especially those in management positions. Myron got to learn this lesson early: he’s the best class president they ever had because he’s a hero, but he’s ostracized for failing to do the most pedantic aspect of his job.

Maurecia

Everyone likes Maurecia, but Maurecia likes ice cream and not much else. When she runs out of flavors to enjoy, Mrs Jewls invents Maurecia-flavored ice cream, which everyone likes, but Maurecia can’t taste. So Mrs Jewls makes ice cream of the other students as well.

LESSON: Don’t burn yourself out by being a glutton! There may also be a lesson about cannibalism in here somewhere, too, but I can’t dope it.

Paul

Paul can’t resist pulling Leslie’s pigtails in class, causing her to scream in pain and anger. But he has figured out a system to indulge his urges and stay out of trouble. Mrs Jewls disciplines her students with a three-strikes policy: first she writes their name on the board, then puts a checkmark next to it, then she circles it, which means they have to go home early on the kindergarten bus. If he pulls each pigtail once, he won’t get sent home. This works until Leslie gets back at him by screaming a third time, and Paul is sent home early anyway.

LESSON: Exercise self control, for crying out loud. Trying to rationalize your poor life choices only makes them worse.

Dana

Dana is so covered in itchy mosquito bites that she can’t focus on arithmetic, so Mrs Jewls has the class do addition with mosquito bites as a subject. Her reasoning is that if they turn her bites into numbers, they won’t itch anymore. Somehow it works.

LESSON: Turn a negative into a positive whenever possible…?

Jason

Jason tattles on Joy to Mrs Jewls because Joy is chewing gum in class. Joy repays him by leaving her gum on his seat, causing him to get stuck. Jason is terrorized by his classmates (and a well-meaning Mrs Jewls) while he is helplessly stuck to his seat.

LESSON: Nobody likes a tattle tale.

Rondi

Everyone compliments Rondi on her cute two front teeth, despite the fact that they’re missing. They also compliment her on the hat and coat and boots she isn’t wearing, and the funny jokes she doesn’t tell. Rondi gets so confused and frustrated that she eventually snaps.

LESSON: Sometimes you’re surrounded by idiots. Try not to go crazy and bite someone.

Sammy

Sammy is a rude jerk who wears an ungodly smelly raincoat. Each time Mrs Jewls peels off on raincoat to throw it away, she finds Sammy is wearing another underneath. After peeling off at least a hundred raincoats, Sammy is revealed to be a dead rat. Mrs Jewls doesn’t allow dead rats in her class, so she throws him away.

LESSON: If you have a rude classmate or coworker, they may be a dead rat. Just throw them in the trash.

Deedee

Deedee is frustrated being on the thirtieth floor, because she’s a tomboy who likes to play kickball, but by the time she gets down to the playground for recess, all the good balls are taken, and she’s stuck with the lame yellow ball that doesn’t bounce and goes the wrong way when you kick it. She solves her problem by pretending to be a dead rat so Mrs Jewls will toss her out, and she’ll get to the playground ahead of everyone else.

LESSON: Take initiative to solve your problems instead of moping about them.

D.J.

D.J. doesn’t need a reason to be happy and smile, and his smile is infectious.

LESSON: Think positive. I guess. I dunno, this one was pretty lame.

John

John is the smartest kid in class, but he can only read things that are upside-down. Mrs Jewls says he can fix this by standing on his head. This apparently breaks John’s brain instead.

LESSON: Dumb solutions lead to dumber problems.

Leslie

Leslie doesn’t know what to do with her toes, and tries to sell them to Louis the yard teacher, but Louis nickels and dimes her, so she keeps her toes after all.

LESSON: Know what you have and what it’s worth so you don’t lowball yourself.

Miss Zarves

There is no nineteenth story, therefore there is no Miss Zarves.

Kathy

Nobody likes Kathy, because Kathy has stupid reasons for not liking anyone, which she brings on herself.

LESSON: If one guy seems like a jerk, you met a jerk. If everyone you meet seems like a jerk, you’re the jerk.

Ron

Ron sucks at kickball, so nobody lets him play except when Louis makes them. Ron is so bad that Louis has to play all the other positions on his team. Ron thinks Louis should share half the blame since he’s half the team.

LESSON: It’s all well and good to focus on having fun rather than being good, but maybe own up to your shortcomings a little bit when you fail.

The Three Erics

The kids all have nicknames for the three Erics. Skinny Eric Bacon is “Fatso” because the other two Erics are fat, and his name is Eric, therefore he must be fat as well. Athletic Eric Fry is called Butterfingers because the other two Erics are clumsy at sports, and Eric Ovens is called Crabapple because the other two Erics are mean.

LESSON: Your peers are gonna judge you for silly reasons. Best to just roll with it.

Allison

Allison repays her teachers by giving her book to the librarian, her lunch to the lunch lady, and a lesson to Mrs Jewls, who informs her that kids are actually smarter than their teachers. Allison says she already knows that.

LESSON: Sometimes kids find themselves in a world full of stupid adults. That’s all I got for this one.

Dameon

Mrs Jewls asks Dameon to invite Louis the yard teacher to watch a movie with their class. He runs up and down thirty flights of stairs multiple times delivering messages between Louis and Mrs Jewls about what the movie is about, and by the time Louis gives him an answer, the movie is over.

LESSON: Plan ahead instead of jumping blindly into things. Dameon could’ve saved himself a lot of wear and tear and still made it to the movie if he’d done a little more intel gathering before he went downstairs the first time. Granted, this was written in 1978 before there were mobile devices, which would instantly solve this problem.

Jenny

Jenny arrives at school early, only to find no one else is there yet. A bunch of weird men in suits interrogate her about what she’s doing there, and when they determine she is in fact one of Mrs Jewls’s students, they send her home and tell her not to come to school on Saturday.

This one has my favorite illustration. Jenny is hilariously cute.

LESSON: Sometimes the answer is really simple. Better yet, look at your calendar once in a while.

Terrence

Terrence keeps kicking everyone’s balls over the fence at recess. Louis gets tired of him and kicks him over the fence.

LESSON: Don’t be a troll. Seriously, what’s wrong with you?

Joy

Joy forgets her lunch, so she eats Dameon’s turkey sandwich, apple, and cake while he’s running downstairs to get milk. She then frames four other classmates for the crime, whom she snitches on; then gives Dameon her own lunch when her mother brings it for her; then gets rewarded with a tootsie roll from Mrs Jewls’s candy jar for her “good deeds” (and steals an extra). She gets away with all of it, but the guilt makes turkey sandwiches, apples, and cake taste like mud to her from then on.

Joy is the biggest jerk in the class every time she shows up (with the exception of Kathy), but she really takes the cake here…literally and figuratively!

LESSON: If you’re a sociopath, lock yourself in jail and throw away the key. Save us all the trouble.

Nancy

Nancy is a boy who hates his name. He’s friends with a girl named Mac who hates her name. They agree to switch names. This inspires everyone in his class to also switch names, leaving everyone hopelessly confused as to who everyone is.

LESSON: Learn to recognize a fad, then maybe avoid it.

Stephen

Stephen shows up to school in a ridiculous goblin costume for Halloween, which is on a Sunday, so the school is celebrating early. He’s the only one in costume, though, and everyone laughs at him, until he saves the class from the ghost of Mrs Gorf.

LESSON: Don’t underestimate the weird kid.

Louis

Louis the yard teacher is revealed to be the one who wrote the book. The class boos him when he comes to tell them a story for Mrs Jewls. He tells the class about normal school kids who don’t get turned into apples and don’t try to sell their toes, and who attend a school that isn’t thirty stories tall. The kids don’t believe him and boo him out of the classroom.

LESSON: Louis tells dumb stories.